36 Weeks..9 Months along

I can't help but really feel that I am finally 9 months pregnant. I show it when I walk, turn around and it's quite obvious of the bulge and then there's the little guy in me that makes it known that he truly exists by squirming and protruding what I think may be his elbow, knee or butt! It is pretty crazy yet amazing.

I look back and I realize I am pretty brave to be pregnant again. I thought I was done w/my 3. Why on earth would any female want to go through 9 months of pregnancy? One answer? Forgetfulness. You forget all about the 9 months of pregnancy once your child is born. Something about the preciousness of a child just erases how bad the pain was delivering, how awful it was the first trimester, how it makes you so clumsy and absentminded and how your mind & body takes on major abuse from enlarging, changing and going through hormonal rollercoaster rides. Seriously, it's almost like you're abusing yourself!

This time being pregnant, I honestly have to say it's not so much b/c of the baby. He's not even here yet. It's because of the love & support I have from my one and only, husband, Dave. If it weren't for him, I dont think I would even consider having another child. There's this balance we have that we share. If I start something, he's right behind me to help me finish. If I fall, he'll pick me up. Everything we talk about and decide together seems to come together for us. While sometimes we do reach a roadblock, it doesn't mean we don't resolve things. It only means we just go around the roadblock instead of letting it stand in our way. The "connection" we share pulls us together that we know what each other's needs are w/out having to say exactly what it is. We can "read" each other's mind to a certain point and finish each other's sentences. Sometimes we joke about the fact that I send telepathic messages to him and he knows what I'm thinking and come right out and say what I'm thinking. So, to know he's right behind me every step of the way, gives me confidence that we can do this together.

2nd of all, the love & support I have from both my family & his. Not that having my 3boys previously lacked any love & support from my ex spouse's family or mine. There was always something missing between my ex, my family & his. Our family dynamics was so separated from one another that it lacked any sort of closeness. Unfortunately, my parents never liked my ex husband b/c they saw how he treated me and hated seeing me unhappy. He was always off on his own and taking care of everyone else. I was hardly a consideration and I was always a last priority. My children were 2nd to last before me. It wasn't like I told my parents I was unhappy, they just knew it, felt it and saw it. This is where I say, trust your parents and your gut feelings when you know your marriage is not heading in the right direction and it's hasn't gotten better. Your parents know and feel your pain. They know exactly what you're going through and hate that they have to see you live your life unhappy. Living your life by keeping busy and hoping that your marriage will "fix" itself is not going to save it either. If you've gone for help and have prayed hard about it and still, your marriage isn't headed in the right direction, you need to either resolve it, fix it, or end it. Getting mad and saying stuff about how useless or difficult your spouse is doesn't make things better. It doesn't necessarily make you "right" and or the better person. It just puts a bad taste in your friends & family's mouth. Seriously, you've got work together, talk things out. Worse part is if you have children, you think they don't notice, but I'll be the first to tell you, they hear it, they see & they feel it all happening. So anyways, to know that my family & my boys love Dave, & Dave's family loves me & my boys, makes having this baby bring us closer together as one big family.

Last but not least, believing & having faith in myself. I have lacked self-confidence & self-esteem for many years. As happy as I look to many friends & co workers, those who were close to me knew how tough it was to get over my insecurities. It was the toughest battle to overcome. Turning point was leaving my ex husband and telling myself I could make it on my own w/out him. Since that day, I will never forget what a life changing experience it was to say it and keep moving forward. To continue to believe, be strong, and be happy with myself only made my life better. It helped my boys see me as a better person and made our lives more positive too. As it continued to improve, I realized I could do anything and be anything I want. I can get what I want if I tried. If I couldn't, I'd try again or realize it's not my turn. Fast forward to getting together with Dave then marrying him and then getting pregnant. It wasn't such a trying thing. We said we'd let it happen and if it did, great, if it didn't, we'd be happy with my 3. Believing that it could happen, made it happen for sure. However, there was a couple of months when I had my doubts and felt that burning desire to be pregnant would overcome me. I had to remain calm and confident that it would happen.

And here I am, 36 weeks along, 9 months pregnant with a loving & supportive husband, parents who also love us, and having faith, belief, & confidence made it all happen. My life is good and I couldn't ask for more. Now it's just a matter of time when he'll be here to meet us...