Are You Listening to Me?

Here are just a few things I would like to explain to my children.

• No always means no. It does not mean continue asking me the same question over and over again hoping to get a different response. What you will get is grounded so stop it already.
• "I will think about it" or "maybe" almost always mean no, but you have the slightest chance of changing my mind. Try cleaning your room without being told a hundred times and check back in two hours. If after that time the answer remains the same; I really mean no.
• When I say wash your dishes; I mean WASH your dishes. I do not mean halfheartedly run your dirty plate under cold water for five seconds and then place it in the dish drainer. That is just beyond gross and I promise you will be the one eating off that plate come the next meal.
• Pick up your mess means PICK up your mess. It does not mean pick up a few things and leave the rest for me. I did not spend four hours coloring at the kitchen table and I do not want to spend four hours putting all the stuff away.
• When you insist on choosing the most difficult project from the list; be prepared to handle it on your own. You all know there is not a creative bone in my body and I would have had no problem taking you to the museum instead. I do not know how to paper mache nor do I care to learn. Quick trip downtown to check out the new exhibit and a nice paper. Now that is something I can help with.
• Speaking of said project; when you decide it is time to paint the thing, do not sit down at the kitchen table five minutes before dinner to do so. We all have to eat and your paint and project are now in our way.
  Which brings me to; when you do paint at the kitchen table, put some freakin paper down beforehand. Spending an hour scrubbing off paint was not how I wanted to start my day.
• If the hamper has gone missing from the bathroom, you can find it in the laundry room. You remember the laundry room; it is right out the door of your bathroom. Perhaps a slight ten second walk to pick up the hamper. Lack of said hamper does not mean drop the clothes where the hamper should be and pray the laundry gods pick them up.
• Your bedroom floor is not the place to hang your wet towels. You say your room smells funny; can't imagine why. Pick the darn things up and hang them in the bathroom. You recall those large brass hooks near the shower? We call those towel hangers. You should try them sometime.
• When I say no food or drinks outside the kitchen; I mean no food or drinks outside the kitchen. I do not mean try and sneak them past me and hope I don't see. You all suck at sneaking things past me and you always get caught. Can we just drop this little game already?
• Having a block schedule two days a week does not mean you get a night of no homework. One of you can't even get your homework done having the extra night; don't push your luck.
• "Because" is NOT an answer.
• Neither is "I don't know" unless you really do not know.
• I hate repeating myself, so please listen closely the first time.
  I hate repeating myself, so please listen closely the first time.
• I was your age at one time in my life. You are not attempting anything that I myself did not try on my parents. I really am not stupid and know exactly what you are up to at all times.
• I really do know the difference between a straightener burn and a hickey. Oh, and the whole peanut butter or frozen spoon remedy is a total myth.
• I actually do have eyes in the back of my head and can really read your minds.
• I know your passwords to your myspace accounts. Even the one that you created under another name.
  
• And finally:
  On your best day you will never be as smart as I am on my worst day. Remember that!