A bride-t0-be asked recently if she was wrong for waiting to have children later on or soon after she is married. I thought I'd share my thoughts w/her and blog about it.
I was in my 20s when I had my first 2 boys. 20s as in 22 with Brad and then 25 with Kyle. To live young and to be able to do all the things w/them like you were one of them was by far fun and always exciting. I looked so young that I could pass as their big sister or their baby sitter. I was much more carefree and nothing phased me back then. When you're 20, you think you're all grown up and you think you "know" everything. You think you're a full blown mature adult. I know, I was legal and an adult when I had my boys but how wise and how fully mature were you in your 20s? Looking back, I know I was still growing up myself when I was in my 20s and when I had my boys. Anyways, to live to be so "able" and to be so naive, innocent and young, it was always go go go w/my kids and it was exciting. I had a lot of fun. The downfall was I didn't have a lot of money. Got married young and we couldn't afford much. I had to rely a lot on my parents & siblings to assist us when money was tight. We couldn't always just "buy" things for my boys. I couldn't be like all those moms doing gymboree play dates. When I moved to Redondo Beach, I was pretty much an outsider because a lot of moms treated me like I was a teen mom. At work, I had co workers that were recent college grads. I related well with them as I was pretty much a college student before I moved to Redondo. Downfall, was they weren't married and they didn't have children and partying on the weekends or meeting up for a social gathering didn't include me. It was naturally assumed that I was married and settled down w/kids. So it took a long time for me find a middle ground and a circle of friends. As for the pregnancy? Pregnancy was a breeze and soo enjoyable. I loved being pregnant and looked forward to getting pregnant again...
7 years later, 31 years old. Pregnant again. We were financially better and it was a little harder on me physically to be pregnant. I was still the carefree , go go go type and always young at heart. I was still thought of as my boys' babysitter, auntie or some relative but not their mother. Being 31, you have better logic and a better mindset of things. You realize at 30, you don't know everything and you are still learning as you go. Maturity sets in and you realize at 20 something, you weren't as mature as you thought. However, having kids in your 20s makes you grow up quick to a certain degree. At 30 you tell yourself that was crazy to have kids. At 20- something you're still a kid sort of and just really becoming an adult...Being 30 something and having kids you are older and wiser.
So now I'm 40. Being around my 3 older boys, is always fun & amusing. I continue to be mistaken as my boys' aunt or cousin but never their mother. I continue to receive compliments of looking young and how I don't look like I'm in my 30s but my late 20s. Do I recommend having kids at 40? Despite how healthy I was and able, I honestly have to say (unless you are 100% fit and 100% healthy.....) physically VERY very hard on me. I had sciatica for the first time in my life while pregnant and it was awful. I was much more tired and just burnt out. Nausea was just the worse it's ever been. While I didn't throw up at all, that feeling that you had to was just no fun. I felt like that for over 18 weeks! I think I was better off just throwingup so that I could've felt better. With a busy life of 3 boys, working full time, playing Division AB volleyball (highest level is A and AB is just one level below), doing my volunteer work and being pregnant, I thought I was gonna die. Maybe if you have your first child in your late 30s, early 40s, it won't be so bad b/c your body didn't go through it already. It's all new, you know? You dont know what to expect b/c it's your first time.
My recommendation?
I recommend having kids in your late 20s and early 30s. Enjoy your husband and enjoy being married first . Be financially sound, finish school and focus on your career first. Travel and do as much as possible together. Once all that has been done, add children to your lives. Nothing is more important than to to start out and do those first. I didn't do that first and it was real tough having 2 children. I missed out on a lot and while I do not hold resentments and I do not regret having my children, I know waiting would've been the best thing to do. I ended up divorcing after 12 yrs of marriage and I look back and I realize I was just young and not necessarily ready. At the time I thought I was ready and I thought it was also the right thing to do too.
Worried about your parents missing out or getting too old to enjoy your children? I wouldn't worry too much about your parents missing out on grandchildren or them being "old". Today's lifespan is much better than it's ever been. People are living longer too. I can tell many people are having children later in age due to career & financial stability. I know going to my perinatologist office, I looked very young compared to those wating in the office. I asked the specialist if it was my imagination that there were "older" people than me having kids and he said it was not my imagination. A lot of women in their 40s & mid 40s are having kids now. Whoa huh?
Whatever decision one makes, it should be a decision between you & your spouse. This is just my thoughts based on my experience. I'm sure someone else may think differently for personal and or religious reasons. However, remember to always take good care of each other, rekindle that romance of yours and keep your marriage growing strong. When the children comes along, the foundation you build on your marriage will be the foundation your children will learn and hopefully take on from you. Even after you have kids, you still have to always keep the spark in your marriage strong....
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